Keeping Lent

Having not grown up in the liturgical tradition, keeping Lent is unfamiliar to me.  I always heard of people "giving up" things for Lent, and never understood how giving up chips or pizza deepened one's understanding of the sacrificial love of Christ.  But lately I've been thinking of doing a fast, and since Lent is fast approaching, it seems very traditional, and appropriate.  I am considering giving up the recreational use of electronic equipment/media.  Like Faceb**k.  And television.  The radio.  It really seems like I fritter away far to much time half-heartedly pecking at keyboards, surfing from site to site, looking at the same old nothing.  Or I turn on the TV as I crawl into my bed, and half-heartedly click from channel to channel, until some bit of nothing catches my interest.  Or I'm driving in the car, and I want some noise, so I seek, and seek, and seek until something familiar comes flickering across the radio waves.  OK, I live in the country, and radio listening in the car is a bit spotty, but I'll listen to some dreadful eighties pop music fading in and out, over the sound of the car and my own thoughts.

What would happen if I stopped drifting from image to image, soundbite to soundbite?  Would I think on spiritual things more often?  Would I find my attitudes changing?  Would I have more time to do productive things?  Maybe I would just sleep more and be more well rested, and thus less likely to be cranky and fall into sin.  Really I'm not sure at all.  What if it revolutionized my life?  Would I just slip back into the same-old same-old, just as soon as Easter came and went?  One thing I know for sure.  I would need to set myself ground rules, or before long I'd be making myself exceptions and justifying my slip ups as necessary.  I know how weaselly I am.  Here are some rules I've considered:

• No Faceb**k at all.  Once a week (probably around midweek) I would check the PM's as I get camp info and scheduling info for my kids via that method.  But I would ignore newsfeeds, walls, and notifications.
• I would check my email once a day to delete all the junk, and respond to all necessary correspondence (which I do actually get there).  I would ignore silly forwards and intriguing advertisements.
• I would use the computer for necessary research/purchases such as homeschooling and airline tickets.
• I would not use the computer to read random Wiki articles and plan pretend vacations.
• I would not watch TV, with the exception of watching a movie with family.  Which generally puts me to sleep.
• I would not turn on the radio in the car.  If I want music, I would remember to bring a CD with me.  Which I won't.
• Would I read blogs?  Probably not.  I like to waste time on blogs.  And Wiki random article.
• Would I blog?  Maybe.  Maybe I'd find more time, or be full of deep thoughts, and blogging would seem the natural thing to do.  Or maybe I'd forget I had a blog, since I'd be away from my computer so much.  Not really sure on that one.

Will you be keeping Lent, and if so, how?

Wonderful People

"Paul did not say that God separated him to show what a wonderful man He could make of him, but 'to reveal His Son in me. . .'  (Galatians 1:16) " ~Oswald Chambers

Some days, revealing Jesus in me results in people thinking I am a wonderful person.  But some days it offends people.  Some days it makes people think I'm stupid.  I'm all about being wonderful.  The other stuff?  Not so much.

Making Room

"And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn."  Luke 2:7

From the instant He was born, Jesus was identified with the lost souls of this earth.  He was born in an inappropriate place, because there was no room in the usual places.  He and His mother became "at risk", turning a filthy stable into a delivery room.  I assume they did not have a lot of material resources.  Material resources would have likely secured a more appropriate place and attendants.  Yet the owners of the inn gave what shelter they had to offer the poor young couple.  And the poor young couple wrapped their child in the cloths that they had, and made room for Him in the manger.

Making room is what makes or breaks us.  Someone in this world must make room for us, or we may be lost.  Someone must be willing to allocate times, spaces, and resources just for us and our use.  It does not matter if we are a day old or ninety years old.  Making room is the essence of true love.  

In our culture we are not about making room.  We believe that people need a minimum number of square feet, and dollars, and whatever.  We limit how much room we are willing to make, based upon the formulaic mandates of the American dream.

Making room is risky business.  What if that poor young couple sues me because their baby picks up some illness in my stable?  What if I make room and that person robs me?  What if I make room and I find myself impoverished, exhausted, infected?  What if making room leaves me brokenhearted?

Making room implies something that we often do not consider.  Making room requires sacrifice.  If I decide to make room, I must reallocate my resources.  I must give up some of my precious spaces... spaces I have filled with beauty, or usefulness, or things.  I must give up some of my material resources.  It costs to add a place to the table, a seat in the car, a bed under a roof.  Where must I trim my budget to make room for this person?  I must give up some of my time.  My day is already full.  The demands on my attention are daunting, and yet I must carve out the time.  A bed and meal is not enough.  Boarding houses do that.  Homeless shelters do that.  Prisons do that.  Families are different.  Families make room, and this is how they love.

Risky, messy, costly love.  The only kind of love that can save us. 

Are You Feeling Old?

I don't believe we give young people enough credit.  Our hearts and minds are moved powerfully when we are young and have very little power of our own.  When we are old and powerful, we find our hearts cold and dull.  It is not strange.  It is the way of the human race.  We must wake up each day and force our old bodies and tired minds to do the work we began when we were young.

We have not changed our minds, or given up, or failed.  We have not necessarily grown older and wiser.  We are exactly the same as we used to be, only now we have the power to do something about it.  

Back then no one took me seriously because I was so young.  Back then I had no money, no education, no experience.  Back then I was scattered and disorganized.  Back then I was selfish and easily discouraged.

What now?  My back hurts when I get up in the morning?

Still Here

I find it unbelievable that it has been over three months since I have posted here.  Even the format for posting has changed, so I shall have to overcome that as well.

Life is moving at a breakneck pace, and I am currently just hanging on for dear life, waiting for this ride to slow down enough to get my bearings.  Life is good, but very full, and very overwhelming.

We are never ready for what is coming at us, but we are as ready as anyone can be.  And then we just have to learn how to do it.  

After a time of doing, we realize we are not very good at it.  Then we get down to the business of disciplining ourselves to becoming a little better at it each day.  

A little better each day is better than wowing the crowd.  But it is tiring, and doesn't leave much time for luxurious activities like blogging.

I miss blogging, and I want to make time for it.  Maybe if I stop showering I can bang out two short posts a week?  No?  

We shall see how it goes.  But for now, the two of you who still check in will know I have not entirely abandoned this endeavor. 

The Pursuit of Happiness (Among Other things)

A friend recently posted a link to this article over on F*acebook, and I highly recommend taking the time to read it.  It's a bit long, and has a bit of language, but still well worth your time.  I'm posting about this article here today, because it's a topic I've been ruminating on for awhile.  I've read other blog posts and articles on the subject too, but this one really does a good job of tying up all the loose ends.

The quote that resonates with me days later is this: “Happiness as a byproduct of living your life is a great thing, but happiness as a goal is a recipe for disaster.” (Barry Schwartz, a professor of social theory at Swarthmore College)  I guess I had never thought of it in exactly that way before, but it's so true, and on so many levels.

Personally I can comment on the folly of making happiness my life goal.  But isn't it what every child of trauma does?  "When I grow up I'm going to do things differently.  Then I'll be happy.  How will I do things differently?  Well, I don't know, but I'm going to be happy.  You'll see."  Happy is like a sore tooth.  Every morning you wake up and thrust your tongue into the sore spot to see how much it hurts.  All day long you poke at it and suck on it, testing to see if it's better or worse.  Every morning you wake up and poke the holes in your life to see if they still hurt, and if they do, then you know you are still not happy.  This of course makes you even more unhappy.

As a parent I can also testify to the folly of making a happy family your idol.  Mainly because it just doesn't work.  You can't make everyone happy all the time, and you'll kill yourself trying.  Or you'll make your kids happy, and feel unhappy because you rather suspect you should have made them unhappy, at least for a little while.

Another line of thought this article brings to my mind, is how this commonly accepted method of child rearing flies in the face of parenting children of trauma...forget parenting children with full blown RAD.  And most of us fall into that trap.  We go to our adoption classes and we think, "Sure things will be crazy for a little while.  But once the kids adjust a bit, I can get down to the business of being the parent I always dreamed I would be."  Never mind that it apparently screws up emotionally healthy kids.

And then we feel like failures because it's never.going.to.happen.  And we get this new, big hole to probe every morning, to inform us that we definitely aren't happy.  

The paradox in my life, is that when I stopped chasing happiness, I got happier.  When I stopped trying to make my kids happy, or even worrying about whether they were happy...well, I can't speak for their internal emotional states, but they seem reasonably contented.  The less I poke at the sore spots, the more I realize how much time I used to spend poking, and prodding, and fretting.  It's not like I've gotten numb or apathetic.  Far from it.  It's just that I've come to expect the sore spots, and perceive them as part of normal.  Pain, fatigue, frustration, anxiety...there's nothing wrong with them.  You don't ignore them, because they have their own purposes, but you don't let them rule over your life.  I'm convinced that growing up healthy means that you learn this early in life.

I was a late bloomer, but still I am blessed to stumble over the truth in my old age.  I am an old, stubborn dog learning a new trick, and that my friends, makes me happy.

Baby News

I blogged here.