I was thinking today, about that great phenomenon called F*ceb**k, in which we employ all sorts of little devices to sort out the intricacies of our lives. Like how we describe the relationships we are "in". My most favorite descriptor is "complicated". Not in real life of course. I don't really enjoy complicated, because the implication is often that things are hard in a complex way. That we fight a lot. That we often miss the mark in this relationship, though we are not yet willing to give it up and declare ourselves single. Not yet alone.
I was thinking of the opposite descriptor, which interestingly enough, FB does not offer as an option. That option would be "easy". No, stay with me here. Really it would.
If I am sitting at the piano with a new piece before me, the teacher may warn me that it is complicated. Tricky. Or they may reassure me. Don't worry, it's easy.
If I am looking at a knitting pattern, a cursory glance reveals if the pattern is complicated or easy.
Dance steps can be complicated and intricate...or basic and easy. No worries, I can't do either.
As I age, I realize that I aspire to being easy. For so many years I have fallen into the trap of believing that easy was worthless, and complicated was more to be desired. The harder a thing was to attain, the more worthwhile it was to fight for it. And there are times when this is true.
But sometimes it's just selfish and stupid. Why in the world would I ever try and make it hard for people to love me? Why would I set up a series of obstacles, and expect them to fight their way through in order to prove something to me? Why do I refuse help until I am bleeding out, and can't fight it any longer?
And on the flip side...why don't I just offer myself and my love freely? Lavishly? Expecting nothing in return? Do I secretly fear it will be rejected as worthless, simply because it is freely given? Why would I not fear that? Is it not the model I have made for myself?
So many of the horribly unhealthy patterns and habits I have cultivated and clung to for a lifetime, are rooted in this lie; that the simple truth is not quite truth enough for my complicated situations. And so I construct intricate addictions and the complex justifications they require.
But now I want to be done. I want to be an easy old lady when I grow up, and I want to advertise it in places more public than F*ceb**k. Because I want to be "in a relationship" with folks who are easy, and folks who are complicated. I don't want to make them fight for anything or prove anything, but I will fight and prove for them every single day, if they need that. And I will believe the simple truth enough for myself, and for the people who cannot believe it for themselves. In myself, left to myself, I will never ever become that, but the God who created me to not ever be "single", alone, an island unto myself...maybe that God will help me become an easy woman. I can only hope and pray it's possible.