A couple of days ago, a friend wrote this post, and it made me tear up a little when I read it, because so much of what she was saying is so close to the surface for me these days. Go. Read it. You won't be sorry you did, and this post won't make sense if you don't.
It seems like all the cool kids who blog, have been picking words for themselves, for the new year. Words like "brave" and "fearless" and "light". I thought about that, and I realize that I would be more able to choose a word to describe my old year in review, than pick a word to describe what I hope my new year will be.
The thing is this. I don't know what this year will bring, and I don't even want to pick one little word to try and steer it. And that's not a criticism at all. I understand being purposeful and intentional, and if having a word becomes a touchstone to spur a person on, I'm all for that.
It's just not for me, for this year.
I feel as though this blog is changing, because I am changing. The things that used to be important to me, don't always take center stage anymore. Things like being right, and having answers, and being able to fix things.
Where I come from, this is a spiritual issue. Being right is the most important thing. Having the right answers is a sacred responsibility. Being the bearer of truth allows you to fix anything...anyone.
But what if I just said, "I don't know anymore. I used to think I had the answer to that question, but now I'm just not sure." Does that mean I have abandoned my responsibility?
I used to think I could weaken or shake a person's faith with an answer like that. Like their faith was dependent on something I could do or say.
I used to feel like the things I did and said were so important. Like people were watching and taking their cues from me. And if I missed an opportunity to speak up, and insert truth and wisdom into their lives, it would all fall back onto me.
But now I just think of how foolish that was. How foolish is was to think that I was that important, and how foolish to feel that somehow I would be held responsible for the choices others made.
The thing is this. All I have left now, is this sense of my heart being outside of myself, in the hands of a trusted few. And so, when a person comes and places their heart in my hands, I am no longer struck with a sense of self-importance. I don't want to answer their questions, or show them where they've been going at it all wrong, or fix their problems.
I'm actually pretty certain, that a good deal of the time, I know absolutely nothing about those things. But I do know how to listen, and love, and hope, and pray. And I am terribly aware of what a sacred space I am standing in.