Happiness, Attachment Styles, and Baggage

Lately, I have been enjoying a conversation with a commenter that has been with me on my blog since nearly the beginning.  Our comments have gone back and forth on occasion, and this time they have lengthened out into a dialogue, that I thought perhaps I would move to an actual blog post.  

I would begin by saying that I have read M's comments in the past, and clicked over to her blogs and read her ramblings.  Her blogs jump back and forth between private and public, so I don't always get to check in, but when I do, I have always enjoyed her insights and quirky humor.

That being said, I am moving our discussion in the comments out into a blog post, because some of her points are very worth considering, even if we don't always agree in conclusion.  Then also, I suspect that we may not define our terms exactly the same, which is important to the discussion.  The first term I would like to discuss is "happiness".  M speaks of herself as sad, lonely, and sometimes wishing this wasn't her life.  Obviously this isn't the definition of happiness as we generally see it.  But happiness isn't the end all.  I can be sad, lonely, and wishing certain things about my life were different, but still know that I am exactly where I should be, and doing exactly what I should be doing.  Happy is an elusive feeling, and can hinge on something so small as my inability to fall asleep, or digest my dinner.  I love happiness as much as the next person.  I want to feel happy, and I want to make the people I care about happy.  But happy isn't my goal, or at least it shouldn't be.  I admit, sometimes I get sidetracked.  I would prefer to be at peace about my life, than to be chasing after happy feelings. 

Another point M brings up  is attachment "styles".  I find this an interesting  thought, because it's true that we all have different styles of attaching, though I believe the attachment itself is essentially the same.  In the very beginning, attachment is basic to most parents and children.  Babies need care and protection, and parents provide it.  Attachment and trust begins to be formed.  But beyond that, families are very individual, and so are people.  Some families show attachment to one another one way, and others another.  It's like a secret language, and without the ability to speak and understand it, attachment may be difficult or even impossible.   Adoption complicates this on so many levels. Lots of parents try really hard to give their children their very best, and the children never receive it.  Likewise, many children try very hard to please their parents, and the parents never even see it.  It seems sad, like something you'd see in a movie..something obvious, and easily explained away.  But in real life I'm not so sure.  People come in different shapes and sizes.  They have vastly different temperaments.  They have their own tastes and preferences.  They have enormous difficulty understanding anything outside their own viewpoint.

I might be very social, thriving on interaction with others.  My sister might be solitary, and value quiet.  How tempting for me to look at her and think her existence is sad.  For me it would be.  Some people want lots of physical contact to cement a relationship, others feel loved when their space is respected.  Some people need lots of kind words to build them up, others value a few carefully chosen words more.  I believe that the best families respect this, and don't try to force a particular "style" of interaction on any one member.  It is the job of parents to teach their children to recognize love in all its many forms. 

M also asserts that attachment within the family one is raised, does not correlate to relationships later in life, particularly those with romantic partners.  I happen to know there are studies that do in fact assert this, though one doesn't have to put stock in studies.  Do you live under a rock?  Do you know any real people?  It seems to me, that every person I know is substantially formed by the environment in which they were raised, and how well they learned to navigate the complexities of attachment to other human beings.  Even those who ran far, far away from their roots, and resolved to never repeat the patterns they had pressed on them in childhood, are still formed by it all.  Their fight against it does not deny that it exists, or that they are haunted by it.  And the part about romantic partners?  That's just wishful thinking, hoping the influences of their upbringing won't eventually invade your relationship.  Nobody on earth has a perfect family.  Nobody on earth doesn't have at least some baggage.  Sooner or later it'll get unpacked all over your partner.  It's just best to hope your partner has an overnight bag, and not a steamer trunk.

So, while M and I might have to agree to disagree about some things, this discussion makes me think that although attachment is necessary and fundamentally the same in all of us, it also may look very different in practice.  I may have children who are very loving and attached in the best, most healthy ways, who still choose to express that in different ways than I would choose.  I should take note of my own teaching, and learn to recognize love in all its many forms, and not just the ones that are familiar and comfortable to me.

Unlike M, I do believe that attachment is fundamental and necessary.  Where it does not exist, either healing must occur, or the lack will be evident throughout the life.  But even after healing occurs, and I believe it can, my child's attachment to me and others, will not necessarily mirror mine.  It may look  and feel very different, and even be hard  for me to glimpse or interpret.  If God is merciful, we will learn to speak the other's language before one of us walks away.  Because yes M, I do think it's tragic when people discard one another and go their way alone.