How We Roll...

We have a child who struggles in school; not that she struggles to succeed, but that she contends heartily with anyone who tries to make her do her work. She is the queen of "I didn't know" and "I forgot". If she would use a tenth of the energy she uses trying to outsmart her teachers and parents to do her work, she would pass her classes without breaking a sweat. And now she is a teen, and firmly ensconced at the high school, where teachers tend to expect students to be responsible for themselves.

Here is what we do. When she arrives home in the afternoons, she is expected to sit down in the appointed place and work on her homework. There is always work to do, even if it is just review, or extra reading, or an ongoing project. This spot is quiet, and away from the distractions of siblings and any sort of electronics. Mom is at hand if she gets hung up on something. In addition, Mom and Dad have forged regular email contact with teachers, watch school websites for homework info and grades, and are learning the normal routine and regular assignments for most classes. Later, family dinner is served. After dinner, children are free to have their turn in the bath, finish up homework, and engage in quiet activities until bedtime. There is no television or video games allowed on school nights.

Our evenings on school nights are quiet, low key, and geared toward homework, family time, and preparation for the following day. Each morning the children rise with a minimum of prompting, get dressed in clothes laid out and approved the night before, eat breakfast together, have morning prayer, and depart for school with very little fuss or muss, since all the work was done before they retired the night before. Our daughters like this method, because it is highly structured and leaves nothing to chance. They understand what is expected of them, and they do it. They don't ever have to ask if their lunch is packed, clothing is clean, papers signed, homework complete. It always is. They generally leave for school in a tranquil state of mind.

So how in the world can one of these children be failing at school? Because she wants to. Because no matter how much structure and support a family tries to put in place, a child can still choose to fail. They can decide not to do their classwork and homework. They can lie at school about what goes on at home, and lie at home about what goes on at school. They can sit in their homework spot and take three long hours to complete twenty minutes of work. They can pretend they don't understand the material, and write so sloppily that no one can decipher their answers. They can use the toilet every ten minutes, and break their pencil lead in between.

And I am not going to sing the opera I normally sing. I am not going to get drawn into the battle this year. I am just going to keep cooking meals and packing lunches. I'll wash clothes and sign permission slips. I'll check school websites and email teachers encouraging notes. I'll keep the homework spot quiet and stay close by in case I'm needed. And she will fail, and I will feel badly about it. Those parts I can't really change. Pretty much the only part I can decide is whether I will yell and holler, and if I want an ulcer. And I won't, and I don't.