Hard Month

I wish I could write this post and then attach "April Fools" to the end of it. It would be nice if it were only that simple. In truth, I have very little desire to write anything at all here. I look at my title, and I say to myself, "I really am Nobody, and all I have are scraps of nothing." That is surely my weariness and discouragement talking. But some of you folks have mentioned my lack of posts, so I decided to sit down and at least write an update.

The month began with raging and anger on the part of Boo. As the days and weeks progressed, she began to unload information. She does not want to be adopted. Never did, neither did she ever care much about being reunited with her sisters, but she saw it as her best (only) chance at a better life. She still wants to go home to birth Mom, and feels that she hates and resents me for trying to replace her. Pretty standard stuff, of course, but she freely admits that there is a bull's eye on my back, and she will take pot shots at it any chance she gets. She has targeted me and my belongings. Anything she knows is important to me, she will try and destroy. She doesn't really know how to change this, or if she even wants to. It's just the way it is. We are barely speaking to or looking at one another at this point.

People ask me if I can "manage" her and her behaviors, and the answer is yes. But it requires every ounce of strength and composure I have...which leaves nothing for the other four that stand there looking at me expectantly. So Hubby keeps her in his pocket all the time, as she does seem to take his guidance a little better. But she is always saving up for the moment he leaves us alone together. A few days ago the girls had been invited for an overnight at a friend's home. They have girls our girls ages, and our three are keen to be friends and do the "normal" kid stuff like sleepovers. We needed a break desperately, as did the boys. Hubby left for twenty minutes to drive Baby Boy to air rifle league. While he was gone, Boo went into the bedroom and began writhing on the floor, scrubbing at her face and hair, and wailing. I calmly informed her that I knew the idea of the sleepover was stressful, but she was going to go, and when she calmed down she would be glad she had. This continued at top volume until Hub pulled back up the driveway, at which point it went to low level grumbling and groaning. The grumbling and groaning continued for near an hour until we arrived at the foot of the street where our friends live. At this point she shut it off like a switch, and had a sunny smile and spring in her step by the time we approached their front door. Apparently she was a sunny delight for the two days she was a visitor, but since she arrived home she has been either deceptive, or silent and uncommunicative.

Baby LaLa has been a continuous challenge. Her behavior is that of a toddler most of the time. She is studiously failing the fourth grade for the third time. Although she is in an excellent private school that is willing to work with both her and us, she is thumbing her nose at all of our efforts and intentionally failing. At home she must be monitored like a preschooler because she cannot be trusted not to behave like one. We have had her on an impossibly short leash for months. The shorter it is, the better she does. But as soon as we relax the restriction she takes the opportunity to dive back into the deep end of disobedience.

In contrast to her sister, LaLa was delighted to be going away over the weekend. It simply afforded her ample opportunity to do what she liked, especially things she is not allowed to do here. And she did. Lordy, she did not just sample the good life, she wallowed in it. So that by the time she returned home a day later, she was sullen and angry. She hated it here, with the rules, and homework, and all the mean people who live here. She told us openly that she wished she lived at her friends' house. That house is bigger, and they have lots of toys and movies. They have good snacks, and they let us stay up late. Note that there is not one mention of people or relationship. Niceness is defined by what a person allows you to do, and what they can give you.

She too has had a plethora of delightful behavior since returning. In fact, the cherry on top was the fact that she went to school yesterday, and was found to be cheating. Yes, this is the private school where she is on scholarship. And she showed no remorse or concern over it, mainly because she has none. I told her I cannot monitor or control her behavior every moment in a day. I told her I could not make her be good. I told her I would make her be good when she was here under my eyes, but she must manage it on her own otherwise, and if she could not, she must take the consequences. She was so very happy, because what she hears is, "When Mom's not looking I can do as I please and no one will stop me."

'Tatie is the only one who seems to be sailing along tranquilly. Which is worrisome in itself. She is a very fearful child, and she tends to try and smooth things over as much as possible. Historically she has been moved from foster home to foster home as a result of her sisters' behaviors, and we suspect that she feels her place in the home is tenuous at best. Sometimes I think that if only we could get out from under the chaos the others are so determined to create, we could really invest in this child and see her thrive. But then I remind myself that she has yet to hit puberty, and will all hell break loose then? No way to know.

Then there are the boys. Hippie Boy has unplugged. He is totally emotionally uninvested, which makes this easier on him on some levels. He enjoys spending time with 'Tatie as she is quiet and easy to get along with. He regards the other two like ill behaved pets...annoying to live with, but not really his problem. As long as he can keep them out of his room, so they don't chew up his stuff, he really doesn't care. Baby Boy was far more invested, so this affects him more. He cannot understand what has happened to his playmates. He gets outraged to see them targeting Mom and Dad, yet he is also angry that he cannot get away with the misbehavior they continuously engage in. He perceives and resents a double standard...yet lacks the maturity to note that we trust him, and give him privileges in proportion to his appropriate behavior and attitude. These are privileges that his sisters have not seen for months.

So there are the children. I won't even get into Mom and Dad at this point. We are just so weary and worn down. Time seems to stand still, and no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you try, it seems as though any progress is purely superficial. The girls have "cleaned up nice" and they can perform in a social situation. But they are no different at heart than when they came. They are here for the fun, and the stuff, and the food. This is a really good foster placement (in their opinion), and they'll stay until something better comes along. And make no mistake, if they thought there was something better, they would blow out of here in a heart beat.

I'm not sure how anyone lives like this. I know lots of folks do, and they eventually come out the other side. Sometimes there is a measure of success there, and sometimes not. That's the thing that keeps you going...the hope for the future. But hope wears very thin at times, I can tell you that.